shes_a_lushh's Journal

11:03pm: I want to leave. I want to take my car, and just drive. Drive out in the highway and just disappear into the darkness with Tegan and Sara and pack after pack of cigarettes. Everyday is just one more disapppointment. I took a bath today and just sat there. Wet hair, eyeliner running down my face. All I could think was how easy it would be just to end it right then and there. It actually made me smirk a little. But after awhile I just got out and went back to my shitty life. Not that my life in and of itself is shitty. In fact, I'm relatively well off. I just turn it into this disgusting, mutilated monster that's trying to destroy me. I hate myself. Plain and simple. It started off on a physical level, but it's seeped into every other aspect of my life. I hate everything I've become. I hate that I have to resort to fucking writing in fucking blogs as a desperate attempt to get someone to reach out to me.

I always accused others of destroying themselves for attention, while asserting my suffering was pure and real.
I guess I'm a goddamn hypocrite.

12:43am: I hate myself. I never stick to shit. I'm trying. I really am. My life just doesn't seem to want to come together. Or maybe I'm sabotaging myself. Either way, I'm trying to put the pieces together. Tomorrow I'll try. Really. I'm so sick of myself. My mum saw my scars and I flat out told her I cut. I told her I stopped though. Of cours,e all she cared about wass making the scars go away so our relatives don't think she's a bad mother. Fucking disgusting. I don't give a shit if my fucking aunts and uncles think I'm crazy.

God I feel so alone. Honestly I don't feel connected to anyone. I never do. And the only people I ever start to trust and open up to and actually feel something for always leave. I really see no reason to start caring for people anymore. All that happens is I end up hurt. Right now there's a couple of people that mean something to me, but I don't really feel for them. I mean, I love them to death, but it feels empty. I don't know anymore. Who needs real connections anyways? I'm perfectly happy just being a passive observer through life. I have many friends I don't trust, I've kissed many people I have no feelings for, and I don't give a shite about alot of people in my family. That's just how I am. My entire life I've made very few strong bonds. Why even try to break the habit now?



I wish I had a handle of vodka and a pack of cigarettes.
At least they don't ever disappoint me.

10:54pm: It's kinda funny how I don't give a shit about myself. I've starved myself without a care if I died. I've cut myself not worrying how deep it goes. I've drank my self silly to the point where I've passed out on many occasions after throwing up my guts. Now I'm smoking my lungs to death. I even had a scare that I had TSS, which is deadly, but I didn't tell anyone 'till after a few days and I figured if I would have died it would have happened. I honestly thought I had gotten it and I made no attempt to get medical attention.


I don't know if this makes me brave or pathetic,
but I fear it's the latter.

10:47pm: I'm gettin' my hurr cut tomorrow.
I got a new shirt, a new hoodie, and new shirts today.
Good day =]
I have blisters from my new high heels though >.<
Ah well, the prices we pay for fashion.
I lost two more poounds.
I've gone back to the weighing myself every morning and every night thing.
I get that high from seeing another pound come off.
It's nice that things are looking up in my life for once.

1:48am: I lost weighttt
I just weighed myself.
I'm six pounds down from my average weight.
It was a nice suprise considering my diets always go to hell
and I just started a fresh one only Saturday.
It's suprises like that that give me motivation to keep going.
So yayyyy.
=]

11:00pm: It's scary how accurate some online tests are

The Window Shopper Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDf) Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper. You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come. Your exact opposite: The Stiletto Deliberate Brutal Sex Master Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns. Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs. BEWARE: The Hornivore CONSIDER: The Gentleman, The Loverboy, The Boy Next Door Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: Brrridget

12:16am: I hate myself. I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm afraid, I'm weak, I'm everything I despise. I wish I could rewind time. Or stop it. I hate my lack of control. I hate that my scars disgust me in the morning, but I keep making new ones at night.

I love the pain though. The feeling that I deserve it. I like to see the red run down my skin.

I deserve this.

4:30am: Wouldn't it be grand to take the pistol by the hand?
Mmmm, I so don't want to go to school tomorrow. I haven't even looked at my homework and I feel so ugly and bah.
This week is going to suck. The week before finals, all the teachers packing on shit, reviewing for exams. Ugh..

So I've decided I'm going to stop stressing about things and just go with the flow. I know that will end with me doing things I'll regret or stupid shit, but then there's that small chance that I may actually be happy, and that may just make it worth it.

4:23am: I friggin' love my family
Ahaha, so my mom is making us hot cocoa with marshmellows,
and it turned into this marshmellow throwing fest
'cause mom was trying to throw them in our mouths
and we were all laughing our asses off cause she kept missing
and they kept going down my boobs.
It was freaking AWESOME!
I caught it in my mouth, I fucking rock!
Hahah.


You had to be there I guess.

3:11am: Ughhh, I was so planning on going to that party tonight, but Kaitlyn has to babysit and most of the party was last night so I was like fuck it. Justin's having a party too, and there's definently going to be acohol and I wish I could have gone to thatbut noooo. He asked if I could sneak out later tonight. He asked me that last night too but he was super tired and ended up not coming. Lame. To be honest, I just wanna get trashed and makeout with someone and he seems to be th emost obvious person to do that with so he needs to friggin' come get me tonight. Hahhh. He'll porbably tak eone look at me and say "You looked prettier and skinnier on myspace." But whatever. Fucking christ, the new MCR cd makes me want to have sex bad. Especially Dead!. It's my favorite song at the moment.
God I'm so fucking bored.

I did something the other night that I really regret now.
It doesn't really bother me, except for when I stop and think about if Jarod came back, and what'd he's say and think of me when I told him.
I'd be just like all his other ex girlfriends.
Friggin' gay.

That still doesn't stop me from wanting to fool around with Justin.
Fuck I feel like such a whore.
But honestly, I don't care.

4:06am: Mmm
Oh em gee.
My mum has a myspace. No joke. She made it to message some guy she used to know. She's having me upload her picture to send to him so he'll remember her. I find this all very hilarious.

So today when I was walking around outside at 5something AM, a van went by and a newspaper went SAILING by my head. I almost had a heartattack and died. Then it happened again 10 minutes later! Fucking terrifying. I think they were aiming at me.

And holy shit dude. It was okay when I got to school, but an hour later it starts getting freezing. By the time I'm walking to my car it's windy as fuck and I want to cry and shoot myself. No kidding dude, I almost cried walking to my car. I'm a pussy when it comes to cold weather, I admit it. I can't take it at all.

Tomorrow I get to sleep in 'cause I'm skipping 2nd period to go to my orthodentist appointment. They're taking a mold for my retainer since I'm getting my braces off next week. Friggin' score. I don't think I'll go back to school after that. I have a calculus quiz and a BCIS test, but oh well. Fuck that =]

3:08am: Time for a brief Bridget-history lesson, in case you weren't my friend at the time, or you were just too stupid to notice.
A year ago I was heavy into an eating disorder. At my lowest I was 92lbs, and apparently officially underweight. After my "recovery" I was left feeling ugly and fat. That led to bad cycles of starving and binging that didn't get me anywhere except for further into depression.
Butttt, now I'm trying to make a change. I'm doing the whole three-meals-a-day thing andd excersing. It's interesting. Eating breakfast this morning made me die a little inside. But I'm going to keep at this. I need to lose weight and be happy again. So hah.

This entry sucks, sh =]

1:15am: Fucking christ.
I only made this because Nessa told me to and I love her.
I used to have a livejournal 4 years ago.
It's alot more complicated now it seems >.<
Now I have amyspace, xanga, facebook, deviantart, AND livejournal.
I'm officially lame.
Someone make this site less confusing,
please and thank you.